Back to School

Well, I am back to school after another long train ride. I was again ran into some great people for good conversation. I met two graduate students out of Vancouver who were working as pastoral ministers and an accountant for a non profit organization similar to my own experiance at the Catholic Worker houses. They seemed to be Christian based and were very interested in my own volunteering and life ministry choices. A good three hours of conversation. After being home and talking to them I am reminded again of my dreams and goals to include social justice, faith, and community living somehow in my life. When this is to come in the way I picture (of which I am not even sure) and in what form I have no idea. But it does feel good to once again have a resonation of spirit within my soul. I have been hitting the books had lately ranging from Dostoyevsky (sp), some non-fiction, as well as some good old guilty pleasure fantasy. I feel now more than in a long time I have a light spirit and am in a pleasant mood of which I wish I could hold onto. All to soon I will be hit by the ways of work and repetition without reflection. I only hope I can manage to push through with some of the goals that I pray help me through and will ultimately bring me victory (want to stay for another year) by the end of the semester. I did not sleep well on the train so I bid you good evening and good dreams, I am off to chase my own.

Peace

School work and what's to come

I had a great holiday season and break to end out the year. Finding time to not only rest but to see many friends and have some great conversations and reminders on what I want to represent in my life. It is hard when working day in and day out for hours on end to hold onto an open mind with peace seeking mindfulness. Or a single mindfulness at all. I have found that in Browning it is easy to loose myself in the loneliness, solitude, and the routine of teaching. I often feel that I mentally subvert to fractured thoughts and depression looking for ways to cope with the difficulties that my home presents. On those weekends that I feel that I need to just get ounce of genuine peace within. I have many things in my life that pull me away from this peace. Anxiety over my future and relationships especially. But a again I am finding these challenges incredibly rewarding through the skills and relationships that I do find. I have never felt that so positively that I was doing a good job. I pray that these feelings continue with my new responsibilities. Getting again to a point, I am thankful to all those I was able to spend time with this break and am looking forward to getting back to Browning and working hard once more. Hopefully holding on to the perspectives and optimism's that I originally entered over a year and a half ago with. Good luck on your journey through the new year everyone.  

Here is a poem that I wrote around 3 am the other night.

Insomniac 

I cannot keep my eyes closed

too many thoughts, ideas juxtaposed

stuck in the middle 

of life's riddle 

a head of anxiety

passionless piety

coasting along

while running on empty

a wish to be filled

but always found spilled

a hope is receding

while the wound is still bleeding

the tide is run low

no water to glow

a feeling so barren 

there is little left care in

the day is still there

no future to spare

The Blues

Whenever I go shopping I buy myself a case of the blues. Looking around at all of these things that are on "sale" and could make my life easier just reminds me that I have no clue what I want. I am hungry and a little nervous to see people I have not talked to in months. All these things are giving me the blues. Its not too bad, its good to listen to music with a little more feeling and soul. Gets me thinking about the abyss of depression and the darkness of its depths. Its a trap for someone who works, eats, and sleeps and has no clue of how to find that peace of mind that comes with patience and discipline. I wish it were easy to simply pop back into thinking like a champ, having an adventurous sprit, and enjoying the challenge. Instead right now I am thinking. I am challenged every day with 16 kids that I am probably failing in what little I can educate to them and I have no idea what kind of meaning it brings me. But it does, it is just subtle and in the current of the deep waters. Discipline to do the things I want to do for myself, like get outside in the trees and jumping over the brooks or watching the sunrise or sunset. Things like talking to friends and family regularly, like feeling satisfied at the end of the day saying, "I worked my ass off today." In the end, what else could be asked of a person other than for them to try their hardest. To keep moving and looking for an up or down when you are confronted with doubt. I feel intelligent for asking myself if I am doing the right thing. I at least have my foot in the water looking for a swim rather than thirsting in the desert. I like analogies. I like books too. I am going to try and read one. Expect more updates...I will continue with them for as long as I can.

Blogging from my brothers

Well, I have had a few days off and now set my goals to find a way to pull myself out of another case of the lazies.  Things are well and I enjoyed my time with Michael last night. Watched a movie, played a game, got some ice cream, talked a bit...pretty perfect if you ask me. Was able to see some friends and looking forward to talking to more soon. Headed down to Winona tomorrow to see what kind of trouble I can round up with people there. Glad for such little expectations but I am starting towards all the school work due for last marking period next week. Finally finding some time to think, which is always fun and troublesome. Peace be to you. 

Wrote a poem about seasonal affective disorder. My sympathies to you if you suffer it...

Gray skies all around

pulling my frown further down

winters cold is biting deep

frozen tears stop, so I cant weep

the day is short and the night long

when a SAD spell has hit so strong

Not really sure what prompted me to write it...

Home for Christmas

Well, I am back home for Christmas with the family. I am finding more rest and less expected of me that I have felt in five months. Its great! I am doing well enjoying talking to friends and family about all the going-0ns of Browning. I have some great news about school. I have moved on from my position as PE teacher (a job I was coming to master) and have become the sixth grade head teacher. This is a move of which I was not expecting but hoping for and was sprung on me but am more than ready for. Already after a week of classes I can tell I will find much more meaning out of this job. Also, the basketball team I am coaching with my roommate and now full time PE teacher Jon is doing very well. At the moment I am looking at another year in Browning but am of course unsure of what I am doing for sure next year. I am enjoying myself at the moment, just wishing I could make more time for contacting friends and family. I am working hard as usual in the labor of the lord as I like to say, so hopefully those wishes can be fulfilled in time and my friends remain understanding. Merry Christmas to all. Hope you are well and with loved ones.

Charlie

In Light

In light of my recent blogging history and failure as of yet at my new years resolution I must say that it has been a very interesting couple of months. I have faced many struggles recently and met many challenges, but I stand still, hopefully with more understanding and strength than before. I see great hope in spring as well as recent thoughts that have reunited me with the perspective of service, growth, and the zeal that brings persistence through challenge. Rather than the empty motions of one within reactionary silence and tradition without question. I like to think of an analogy of being within a forge this year, being tempered, tested, folded over and over, until there is a strength and grace within me. I am still within this process and am choosing to undertake it once again next year.

I miss my friends and thoughtful conversation. I miss those with unshakable confidence and optimism, they have helped bring me great strength and without them I feel rather like an Island. But I am instead landlocked in the poverty of the reservation and am finding just how much one can find within themselves; just how much one can grow, for better or worse.

Peace to all...

Resolution

I have a new years resolution that I update this page at least once a week. Compared to the history I know that it will be an achievement if reached. I am doing well. Chris, the other volunteer than Katie and myself has decided to leave the community. It will be hard and a big change, but it needs to happen. I feel that once someone has lost the will to be somewhere, they are passionately gone already. During some nights I can see the caged look about her and know that she does not belong here any more. It will be sad to see her go. But with all changes new things will come. I have been writing lately and have two poems to share. I would like a critical response if anyone has one. It would be nice to know what people think. The holiday season was great, I saw lots of family and some friends. I missed out on others though and was not able to say hello as many as I wished. I suppose this is life after college though. I must let go of some, some must let go of me, and life must go on.

Wisdom of Love

An old intellect
once gave word to me
a keep sake
I would understand one day
when I had given up
and then come back again
to a childhood play.

The word
A dilemma, a wonder, a concept supreme
this three in one was all I had
to give away someday
or to share in a dream.

with the word
alone my madness grew
till in a supernovae explosion
i spread my every
thought to one.


And in that moment understood
but not before my time
that only a happy, blessed
few would understand
such a nursery rhyme.



To Live Well

To listen is to make a sound
To smile is to curse a frown
To reach heaven is to leave the ground
To bloom is to wither away
To leave is to come home again
To play is to lounge around
To win is to watch others fail
TO live is to die
TO succeed is to be happy all the while


Till next week.

who do you say I am

Who do you say I am
I am a hero
who barely has it together

I push hard and climb mountains
and struggle on the big words.
I walk the dark of night,
but without another,
the lonely defeat the night.


As of yet, Montana has been an ego booster. Teaching PE is like constantly working out, every monday and wednesday running at least four miles, and every evening basketball practice. The weekends are full of great hikes or hanging out with the kids. Climbed a mountian, walked through a river, took an hour drive just to see the land out here. Everything I am trying I am doing well at, except those things I told myself to work on when I came out here. I was not good at scrable till I got out here. To one person I am opening doors, to another they have closed them before me, and I dont even know if my students care. I am here, doing my best, wanting to do more, but settling for getting in great shape, constantly being tested in gym, wondering how this fits into the big plan, and worrying about making the wrong descision...

I miss school, my friends, and the life of books
I love the moutnains, new friends, and working 11 to 14 hours a day...